kids you can't live with them, can't eat 'em

I am a mother of 8 children and during their years, I have been through many situations with them. To survive this many children you have to have a good sense of humor.
MOTHERHOOD

I like most women wanted children. Unfortunately you have to carry them around for 9 months. I was not one of these women that enjoyed being pregnant. I'd rather walk through fields of broken glass and jump into a large vat of iodine than to have to endure one pregnancy. During the early months of pregnancy I always go through the pleasure of seeing up close and becoming personal with my toilet. I craved hot dogs with everything on them only to find myself in the bathroom wishing I hadn't, then turn around and do it again. I always felt very large and cumbersome and often looked like I had a stomach goiter.

I know some women enjoyed feeling the baby growing and moving inside but I always felt like I was doing a scene from "Alien". I did not experience the 'feminine mystique' like most women do. I had so many stretch marks my body looked a road map of Kathmandu. My feet would swell so that my shoes wouldn't fit and it is at those times that everyone wants to go for a nice family walk in the mountains'. I will give you an example: After applying two tubs of lard to each foot so that I could can get my shoes on, I’d manage to waddle over to the car and everyone would laugh because they’d think I was doing the "funky duck", no, actually I was just trying to juggle natures' little gift. I’d manage to slide into position like someone who just had hemorrhoid surgery. Awww I made it and we’re off! It really feels kind of good doing something normal. But wait! Mother Nature has come to call and being pregnant it always feels like you have a full bladder. So I’d beg my husband to stop the car so I could go.

Now I always had a wonderful husband that knew just how bad I had to go and so when he stopped the car, it was alongside the road. I would really try to be inconspicuous and hope no one saw me, (here is a woman that is huge and she is hoping no one can see her?) I’d make it down the side of the little hill to do my thing but the only problem would be that if I tried to squat, gravity alone would pull me down and I COULDN’T get back up without help. So I’d fall right into my own puddle and if that weren’t bad enough, I’d end up hollering for help. Well, if I were at home no one would hear me but where it is really mortifying everyone heard me. I not only had my family coming to my rescue but dozens of onlookers also.

Already my dignity was slipping away. I'd manage to get back into the car and after about 30 more stops we made it to the mountain, but now the day is almost gone so we’d turn around and head back, and once again I had to stop, and stop, and stop. All I really wanted was to get home and put this day behind me.


Home at last, now to get these shoes off. Oh no, I am going to need the Jaws of Life for this operation and I realized the oil slick me feet are leaving is worse than the Valdez oil spill.
I would be so tired from the fun of the afternoon I just wanted to retire. I would waddle up the stairs to climb into a tub of nice hot water. I could hardly stay awake; I think it'll sure feel good to get off my feet and sleep. Finally relaxed, clean, happy, I’d make my way to the bed, close my eyes and realize I had company.......... Mr. Insomnia!!!!!!!!!!! He decided he is going to stay for the rest of my pregnancy. Well, when the baby comes I knew I could sleep then, right? Now if I was lucky enough to fall asleep, Mother Nature would send her uncle..............Uncle Charley Horse. My poor husband has been brought out of a deep sleep many a quiet nights by the sound of a shrill shrieking voice coming from my side of the bed. He thought it was war cries but no, it's me getting ready to gnaw my leg off.


About the only thing I did like about pregnancy is that my chest size increased. I went from a -32aaa to a +1. I felt like a playboy bunny but it seemed it wasn't long before my stomach got larger making my chest look small again. Then if that wasn't bad enough my belly button would turn inside out. My stomach looked like it was growing a nose.
During pregnancy the child I was carrying always worked as an insulator. If I was pregnant during the winter it was good, but during the summer, then it wasn't. I hated it when people told me I had a glow. I was suffering from a body temperature of 110 degrees. Heck, it wasn't a glow, it was heat stroke.

Finally the big day comes, I was so excited to finally meet this little person who I had been carrying for nine months and had made my life a living hell the whole time. The nurse checked me in and I was ready to go.

The sleep I so richly deserved was right around the corner. I wanted to feel every pain, I was going to be a good mother, and I was already sacrificing for this child. "No I don't want any anesthesia, just a bullet to chew on will do. The pain really isn't so bad, I could do this standing on my head." I laid back in my bed and closed my eyes and had just started to relax......................ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMEONE HAD STRAPPED TWO TEAMS OF HORSES TO MY STOMACH AND HAD THEM RUNNING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would look for anything that would help me cope with the pain............a gun...........horse tranquilizer....................baseball bat etc. I would grab the only thing I could find...........my husband!!!!!!!!!! Now he would be sitting there looking at me and wondering why I was thrashing about so much, then he’d feel me clamp my hand onto his inner thigh into a death grip. He'd scream, I'd scream....until I finally came away with a souvenir, a nice piece of pliable thigh muscle.

Then the urge to push would come over me, an uncontrollable urge to push. My husband who is ever so observant at the wrong times, would comment on the funny faces I was making and the pretty shades of red my face is changing to. I thought if I only looked that way nine months ago during romance I might not be going through this right now. With one final push and the feeling like my head would explode, I gave birth. A baby, oh how cute. Oh how tired I was.

My husband was beaming, well he can afford to, after all it is his fruit you just bore, which by the way felt like a watermelon. After childbirth I am probably looking my worst. My hair is messed up, I am all sweaty, I'm drooling, I'm shaking, my false teeth have been thrown across the room and I am smiling because it is over. "Honey you look beautiful." Well, he would say that, because you realize that is pretty much the way you look after a night of passionate lovemaking. The next sound I would hear was the sound of a baby crying.

A sound I would hear all too often before it is over. All my hopes and dreams would be compiled into this sweet little child laying in my arms. Are we ever really prepared? The day came that I took my little bundle home. Oh boy, our family had finally begun.